A doctor was walking on the beach and noticed an empty bottle. He kicked the bottle.

A genie suddenly came out of the bottle and said “Gee thanks!! I’ve been locked in the bottle for five hundred years!! Just for that I’ll grant you three wishes. I have to warn you, however, that each of the HMOs with which you have contracted will get double.”

So the doctor thought about it. He then stated “For my first wish I’d like a million dollars.”

The genie said, “Okay. But remember, HMOs will get two million dollars”

And the doctor said “that’s okay with me.”

The doctor then said for his second wish, “I’d like a house overlooking the cliffs down to the ocean.”

The genie said, “Okay. But remember, HMO executives will be next door in a house twice as large and they like to party 24 hours a day.”

The doctor said, “I think I can live with that.”

So the genie said, “For your third wish you’d better think long and hard.”

So the doctor, after thinking it over, said, “Could you beat me half to death?”

The Pope, an HMO CEO and a student nurse are flying on an airplane. The captain comes back and says that he has some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is that the plane is going to crash! As he puts on a parachute and jumps out he says that the really bad news is that there are only 2 more parachutes.

The HMO CEO says “I am the smartest man in the world, and the world of Health Care would be nothing without me!” With that he puts on a parachute and jumps out.

The Pope says “Well, my child, I would love to live, but I believe that my time is up. Please take the other parachute and save yourself.”

The student nurse says “Not to worry sir. Right now the smartest man in the world is trying to find the rip-cord on my back pack!”

There were three medical specialists standing at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter said to the first, “And what have you done to be able to enter heaven?”

“I’m a breast surgeon.”

“Enter, you’ve done a wonderful job.”

To the second he said “And what about you?”

“I’m an oncologist”

“Enter, you really hung in there on earth.” To the third he said “Yes, and you?”

“I was a director of an HMO”

“Enter, but you’ll have to leave after 3 days.”

Mr. Barricks was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Barricks, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Then can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister” he answered.

“Well, do you have any close relative?” the nun questioned sternly.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Barricks. Nuns are not spinsters – they are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Mr. Barricks. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”