A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Want to hear an actuary joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6’5″ tall, 250 pounds, and he’s an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”
The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”
An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o’clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump.
The underwriter says, “I’ll bet you fifty bucks he doesn’t jump.”
The actuary says, “I’ll take that bet.” A few minutes later the guy jumps.
As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, “Never mind. It’s not fair. I saw it on the six o’clock news”.
The underwriter responds, “So did I, but I just didn’t think it would happen twice.”
An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that.
The actuary replies, “The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only.”
How do you get an actuary to laugh on a Thursday? Tell them a joke on a Monday.
A lawyer, an accountant and an actuary are discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife.
The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce.
The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective.
The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.
An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, “There are 1,248 sheep out there.”
The farmer replied, “Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?”
The actuary answered, “Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four.”
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg.
The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.
The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”
A casualty actuary priced an automobile “Fire and Theft” policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, “Who would steal a burnt car?”
Actuaries are very good at numbers – so good they even do sex by numbers. They know 156 different sexual positions. They just don’t know anyone who wants to have sex with them.
When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98 year olds, the actuary replied, “According to our tables, very few of them die each year.”
