Mar 25

The only way to tell if a broker is lying is to check if his lips are moving.

On the other hand, insurance company executives don’t lie… they really just don’t know what the the truth is!

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Rating: 6.0/10 (25 votes cast)
Feb 19

An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o’clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump.

The underwriter says, “I’ll bet you fifty bucks he doesn’t jump.”

The actuary says, “I’ll take that bet.” A few minutes later the guy jumps.

As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, “Never mind. It’s not fair. I saw it on the six o’clock news”.

The underwriter responds, “So did I, but I just didn’t think it would happen twice.”

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Feb 19

An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car.

The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

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Rating: 6.8/10 (12 votes cast)
Feb 19

A broker, an actuary and an agent are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death.

However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.

The broker is punished first because he drank the most.

“What is your wish?”, asks the saudi prince.

“I’d like to have a pillow on my back,” replies the broker.

So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.

The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.

“I’d like to have two pillows on my back,” boldly states the actuary.

So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.

Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn’t drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.

The agent then states, “Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20.”

“Your courage is impressive,” states the prince. “and for your second wish?”

“Strap the actuary onto my back”, replies the agent.

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Feb 18

Several years ago, we had an underwriting trainee who was none too swift. One day, he was doing a certificate of insurance and turned to a co-worker and said, “I’m almost out of paper. What do I do?”

“Just use copier machine paper,” she told him.

With that, the trainee took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

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Feb 18

You might be in the insurance industry if…
1.   You have sat in the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different companies.
2.   Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
3.   When someone asks what you do for a living, you lie.
4.   You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
5.   Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
6.   You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
7.   It’s dark on your drive to and from work.
8.   Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
9.   Communication is something your “group” is having problems with.
10. You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
11. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
12. Art involves a white board.
13. All real work is done prior to 9:00 AM and after 5:00 PM.
14. You’re already late on the assignment you just received.
15. Dilbert is your favorite cartoon.
16. Your boss’s favorite lines are …
       “when you get a few minutes …”
       “in your spare time …”
       “when you’re freed-up …”
       “I have an opportunity for you …”
17. More than 10% of the people in your company do not know what you do.
18. Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.
19. Change is the norm.
20. Nepotism is encouraged.
21. You read this entire list and understand it.

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Feb 18

A client calls up his insurance agent and tells him he needs to file a claim.

The agent says “Tell me what happened?”

The client tells him and the agent says “I’m sorry but that’s not covered.”

The client says “well, let me explain better what happened.”

The agent says “I´m sorry but that´s not covered either.”

The client says ” I´ll tell you what, you tell me what´s covered and I´ll tell you how it happened!”

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Rating: 7.0/10 (7 votes cast)
Feb 18

There is a huge pigeon problem in the city – pigeon droppings are everywhere and it is a real mess. The mayor tells his staffers to find a way to get rid of the pigeons forever. Many things are tried, but nothing seems to be able to get rid of the pigeons.

Finally the staffers find a “pigeon buster” who guarantees to get rid of the pigeons. The pigeon buster tells the mayor that he will get rid of the pigeons immediately, and that he will wait three weeks to get paid. The fee will be five million dollars – plus one million dollars for each question asked.

The mayor agrees. The pigeon buster opens up his briefcase, removes a little pink box, and goes off to rid the city of pigeons. Sure enough, the pigeons disappear immediately, and they don’t come back.

Three weeks later the pigeon buster returns to the mayors office to be paid. The mayor hands him a check for six million dollars.

The pigeon buster looks at the check and says, “I guess you want to ask me one question.”

The mayor replies, “Yeah. Do you have another one of those pink boxes that will get rid of all the insurance salesmen?”

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Feb 18

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest insurance salesman and a drunk were walking down a street together when, all at the same time, they spy a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

Obviously the drunk, because the other three are mythological creatures.

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Feb 18

A woman was in the hospital after feeling very ill. The doctor says to her, “I have some bad news for you. You only have three months to live.”

“Oh that’s terrible,” the woman sighs, “what am I going do?”

The doctor replies, “Marry an insurance agent.”

“Will I live longer?” asks the woman. ”

No,” replies the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”

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