Three Kinds of Actuaries
Actuary talking: “There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can’t.”
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Actuary, Underwriter, and an Insurance Salesperson are Riding in a Car
An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car.
The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.
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Contraceptives for Actuaries
Question; “What do actuaries use as contraceptives?”
Answer: “Their personality.”
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Difference between God and an Actuary
Question: “What is the difference between God and an actuary?”
Answer: “God doesn’t think he’s an actuary.”
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A Skydiver is Blown Off Course
A skydiver is blown off-course and lands in a tree in a remote area. After dangling from branches for an hour, he spots a hiker walking by.
“Excuse me,” yells the parachutist, “but could you tell me where I am?”
The hiker looks up and says, “Yes, you’re twenty feet above the ground.”
“Thank you,” replies the skydiver, “You must be an actuary.”
“What makes you say that?” asked the hiker.
The skydiver answered, “Because what you just told me was 100% accurate, but totally worthless!”
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Ask an Actuary 2+2
Ask an actuary “What’s 2 + 2?”
Response: “What do you want it to be?”
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A Group of People who Refuse to Speak English
In Canada, there is a group of people who refuse to speak English. They’re called separatists and tend to live in Quebec. In the United States they’re called actuaries.
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Drowning
An actuary is one who, if you’re drowning in a pond twenty feet offshore will throw you an eleven foot rope and point out that he’s meeting you MORE than half-way.
Actuaries and CPA’s
An actuary, is a CPA who found CPA work too exciting.
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A Broker, an Actuary, and an Agent are all Caught Drinking
A broker, an actuary and an agent are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death.
However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.
The broker is punished first because he drank the most.
“What is your wish?”, asks the saudi prince.
“I’d like to have a pillow on my back,” replies the broker.
So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.
The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.
“I’d like to have two pillows on my back,” boldly states the actuary.
So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.
Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn’t drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.
The agent then states, “Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20.”
“Your courage is impressive,” states the prince. “and for your second wish?”
“Strap the actuary onto my back”, replies the agent.
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