Drowning
An actuary is one who, if you’re drowning in a pond twenty feet offshore will throw you an eleven foot rope and point out that he’s meeting you MORE than half-way.
Insurance Jokes
Insurance Jokes, sorted into categories.
Actuaries and CPA’s
An actuary, is a CPA who found CPA work too exciting.
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A Broker, an Actuary, and an Agent are all Caught Drinking
A broker, an actuary and an agent are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia. Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death.
However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.
The broker is punished first because he drank the most.
“What is your wish?”, asks the saudi prince.
“I’d like to have a pillow on my back,” replies the broker.
So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.
The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.
“I’d like to have two pillows on my back,” boldly states the actuary.
So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.
Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn’t drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.
The agent then states, “Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20.”
“Your courage is impressive,” states the prince. “and for your second wish?”
“Strap the actuary onto my back”, replies the agent.
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Three Men are Sentenced to Die by Guillotine
Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine.
The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man’s neck. The executioner says, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free.”
So the first man leaves, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man’s neck. Again the Executioner says, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free.”
So the second man leaves, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, “I think I see what the problem is … “
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I’m Almost Out of Paper
Several years ago, we had an underwriting trainee who was none too swift. One day, he was doing a certificate of insurance and turned to a co-worker and said, “I’m almost out of paper. What do I do?”
“Just use copier machine paper,” she told him.
With that, the trainee took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
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Moving from Texas to Vermont
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, “Look, I’m not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?”
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Genie Granting Wishes and HMOs Will Get Double
A doctor was walking on the beach and noticed an empty bottle. He kicked the bottle.
A genie suddenly came out of the bottle and said “Gee thanks!! I’ve been locked in the bottle for five hundred years!! Just for that I’ll grant you three wishes. I have to warn you, however, that each of the HMOs with which you have contracted will get double.”
So the doctor thought about it. He then stated “For my first wish I’d like a million dollars.”
The genie said, “Okay. But remember, HMOs will get two million dollars”
And the doctor said “that’s okay with me.”
The doctor then said for his second wish, “I’d like a house overlooking the cliffs down to the ocean.”
The genie said, “Okay. But remember, HMO executives will be next door in a house twice as large and they like to party 24 hours a day.”
The doctor said, “I think I can live with that.”
So the genie said, “For your third wish you’d better think long and hard.”
So the doctor, after thinking it over, said, “Could you beat me half to death?”
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A Cowboy Wanted to Take Out a Life Insurance Policy
A cowboy wanted to take out a life insurance policy. Talking to an insurance agent about his policy, the insurance agent asked the cowboy, “Have you ever had any accidents?”
The cowboy repled, “No, no accidents.” Then, after a short pause he added “But a bronco kicked in a couple of my ribs, and a rattlesnake bit me a couple of years ago.”
“Well!” replied the insurance agent, “Don’t you call those accidents?”
The cowboy replied, “No, I don’t—they done it on purpose!”
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Present Value of Husband’s Policy
“Do you know the present value of your husband’s policy?” the life insurance salesman asked his client.
“What do you mean?” countered the woman.
“If you should lose your husband, what would you get?” asked the salesman.
The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, “Probably a poodle.”
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Airplane About to Crash and Only Two Parachutes
The Pope, an HMO CEO and a student nurse are flying on an airplane. The captain comes back and says that he has some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is that the plane is going to crash! As he puts on a parachute and jumps out he says that the really bad news is that there are only 2 more parachutes.
The HMO CEO says “I am the smartest man in the world, and the world of Health Care would be nothing without me!” With that he puts on a parachute and jumps out.
The Pope says “Well, my child, I would love to live, but I believe that my time is up. Please take the other parachute and save yourself.”
The student nurse says “Not to worry sir. Right now the smartest man in the world is trying to find the rip-cord on my back pack!”
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