The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?”
I said, “Fire and theft.”
Insurance agent frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it’s burning down.
Fire and Theft Insurance Read More »
Two women are playing golf when one of them ask the other, “Do you and your husband have mutual climax?”
The other woman replies, “No, I think we have State Farm.”
There’s a new insurance policy written especially for Jewish mothers. It’s called the “My Fault” policy.
Insurance Policy for Jewish Mothers Read More »
A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. The shop specialized in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:
Actuary’ Brains … $9/lb
Loss Control Brains … $12/lb
Underwriters’ Brains … $15/lb
Claims Adjusters’ Brains … $33/lb
Insurance Executives’ Brains … $87/lb
Life Insurance Salesmens’ Brains … $146/lb
Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, “My, those insurance salesmens’ brains must be something.”
To which the butcher replied, “Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!”
Life Insurance Salesmen’s Brains Read More »
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against …. get this …. fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.”
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued … and WON!!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”
After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested… on 24 counts of arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
Fire Insurance for Cigars? Read More »
After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker’s compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related.
“How did you get the wooden leg?” asked the agent.
In a booming voice the pirate replied, “Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang ’round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg.”
The agent replied, “That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?”
“Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang ’round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand,” said the pirate.
“That’s also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?” asked the agent.
The pirate replied, “Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!”
“What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?” said the agent.
“It were the first day with me hook!”
Pirate’s Work Injuries Read More »
An HMO accounts clerk had a cabin in the West Virginia mountains and liked to go there for his frequent vacation times. Each summer, he would invite a different friend to spend a week or two up at his cabin. One particular summer, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend agreed.
Early one morning, the clerk and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering buckets of delicious red raspberries, along came two huge Bears–a male and a female.
The HMO accounts clerk, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t as fast, and the male bear grabbed him and swallowed him whole.
The clerk ran back to his car, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and they dashed back to the berry patch. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the clerk, pointing to the male bear.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE BEAR!
“What do you think you’re doing??” exclaimed the clerk, “I said he was in the other bear!”
“Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe an HMO accounts clerk who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”
HMO Accounts Clerk Read More »
The Bricklayer’s Insurance Claim
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope…
The Bricklayer’s Insurance Claim Read More »
I asked an insurance broker how many producers he had working for him.
He answered, “About half of them.”
How many producers working for the broker? Read More »
Question: What do you get when you cross a monkey with an insurance broker?
Answer: Nothing. There are some things that even a monkey won’t do.
What do you get when you cross a monkey with an insurance broker? Read More »