Senility Insurance
A life actuary designed a new coverage “Senility Insurance”. He expected low claims because “If you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not senile.”
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Actuary Jokes
Jokes about actuaries and actuary.
Definition of a Computer
Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.
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Three Kinds of Actuaries
Actuary talking: “There are three kinds of actuaries. Those that can count. And those that can’t.”
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Actuary, Underwriter, and an Insurance Salesperson are Riding in a Car
An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car.
The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.
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Contraceptives for Actuaries
Question; “What do actuaries use as contraceptives?”
Answer: “Their personality.”
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Difference between God and an Actuary
Question: “What is the difference between God and an actuary?”
Answer: “God doesn’t think he’s an actuary.”
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A Skydiver is Blown Off Course
A skydiver is blown off-course and lands in a tree in a remote area. After dangling from branches for an hour, he spots a hiker walking by.
“Excuse me,” yells the parachutist, “but could you tell me where I am?”
The hiker looks up and says, “Yes, you’re twenty feet above the ground.”
“Thank you,” replies the skydiver, “You must be an actuary.”
“What makes you say that?” asked the hiker.
The skydiver answered, “Because what you just told me was 100% accurate, but totally worthless!”
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Ask an Actuary 2+2
Ask an actuary “What’s 2 + 2?”
Response: “What do you want it to be?”
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A Group of People who Refuse to Speak English
In Canada, there is a group of people who refuse to speak English. They’re called separatists and tend to live in Quebec. In the United States they’re called actuaries.
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Drowning
An actuary is one who, if you’re drowning in a pond twenty feet offshore will throw you an eleven foot rope and point out that he’s meeting you MORE than half-way.