An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that.
The actuary replies, “The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only.”
How do you get an actuary to laugh on a Thursday? Tell them a joke on a Monday.
A lawyer, an accountant and an actuary are discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife.
The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce.
The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective.
The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.
An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, “There are 1,248 sheep out there.”
The farmer replied, “Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?”
The actuary answered, “Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four.”
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg.
The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.
The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”
A casualty actuary priced an automobile “Fire and Theft” policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, “Who would steal a burnt car?”
Actuaries are very good at numbers – so good they even do sex by numbers. They know 156 different sexual positions. They just don’t know anyone who wants to have sex with them.
When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98 year olds, the actuary replied, “According to our tables, very few of them die each year.”
A life actuary designed a new coverage “Senility Insurance”. He expected low claims because “If you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not senile.”
Definition of a computer: An actuary with a heart.
