Feb 25

The chairman of a large charity noted that the wealthy CEO of a major managed care company had never given him a donation He called on the CEO in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways. “Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?”

The CEO replied, “Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?”

Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
“Well, since I don’t give any money to them,” he continued, “why should I give any to you?”

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Feb 25

A man walks into a Doctor’s office.  He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks.

“You’re not eating properly,” replies the Doctor.

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Feb 25

Insurance Companies who refuse to reimburse for Glucose Monitoring Strips Take Note!

An unnamed manufacturer of blood glucose meters is about to announce the development of a major breakthrough in medical care: a new meter that can measure blood caffeine levels.

This innovative device is due for release on April 1st. 

The “CoffeeMeter” will utilize existing blood glucose reagent strips (from most current manufacturers). Through a new method of optical processing, it will be able to measure caffeine consumption, which will be displayed on the meter in “CCE” (Coffee Cup Equivalent) units.

The “CoffeeMeter” has been tested in several clinical settings, including diabetes clinics, inpatient alcohol treatment units, and wellness programs. It has had great success (P The “CoffeeMeter” can also accurately discriminate whether the user had consumed caffeinated or “decaf” coffee.

More details on this very important new product should be forthcoming in the near future.

You may feel free to forward or reproduce this satire, provided you include the following copyright notice:
Copyright © 1997   by the Midwest Diabetes Care Center, Inc.

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Feb 25

Managed Care Finds Cure for Diabetes;
Endocrinologists Take the Plunge

Declaring diabetes mellitus non-existent, managed care companies nation-wide have managed to wipe out diabetes throughout the United States, it was announced today. It was explained that any patient insisting that they have diabetes will be re-diagnosed as having paranoia, and hence will be ineligible for medical care, as mental health benefits are essentially nonexistent in most managed care plans. The insurance industry also announced that their pre-existing policy of refusing to reimburse for syringes or blood glucose test strips, and discouraging patients’ Primary Care Physicians from referring to endocrinologists, has been “totally vindicated.”

An estimated three hundred endocrinologists were seen lining up to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco; there were unheard-of upsurges in bookings for flights to San Francisco noted by airlines nationally. The San Francisco Tourism Agency announced that it encourages all endocrinologists to spend their final vacation in their city, before taking the plunge.

According to an anonymous spokesman for a major managed care company, it is expected that curing diabetes, and terminating contracts with deceased endocrinologists, will allow approximately 57 more insurance company executives to claim 6-figure bonuses at the end of the current Fiscal Year, while only resulting in an additional 15 minutes loss of sleep per night for the average Primary Care Physician, and only an estimated 2,000,000 covered lives to become uncovered deaths.

 You may feel free to forward or reproduce this satire, provided you include the following copyright notice:
Copyright © 1997   by the Midwest Diabetes Care Center, Inc.

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Feb 25

News Flash: “Doctors at a large managed care network gone on strike.  Managed Care Officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.”

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Feb 25

An ophthalmologist, a priest and an HMO CEO were waiting to tee off at their local country club. Two guys in front of them were stumbling around, hitting balls in all directions, swinging and missing and in general holding up the whole show.

The club pro happened to walk by and the three called him over to complain about the two in front of them.

The pro said, “Oh, lighten up a little. Those are two firemen that lost their sight while fighting the fire we had in the clubhouse last winter. We let them play whenever they want for free.”

The priest contritely said, “I feel so bad for thinking ill of those two. I’m going to offer special prayers for them.”

The eye doctor said, “I feel the same way, I’m going to get with some of my colleagues and see if there isn’t something we can do for those guys.”

The HMO CEO replied, “I just wonder why these guys can’t play at night?”

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Feb 25

A man walking into a hospital notices a prominent surgeon and his surgical resident down on their hands and knees digging in one of the flower beds. He goes over to them and asks, “Can I help? Did you lose something?”

“No,” says one of the surgeons, “We’re about to do a heart transplant on a managed care executive and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”

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Feb 25

At a scientific research convention one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from lab rats to managed care reviewers for our experiments?”

The other asked, “Why the switch?”

“Three reasons,” he replied, “First we found that these reviewers have become far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do. However, sometimes it’s hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.”

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Feb 18

A doctor was walking on the beach and noticed an empty bottle. He kicked the bottle.

A genie suddenly came out of the bottle and said “Gee thanks!! I’ve been locked in the bottle for five hundred years!! Just for that I’ll grant you three wishes. I have to warn you, however, that each of the HMOs with which you have contracted will get double.”

So the doctor thought about it. He then stated “For my first wish I’d like a million dollars.”

The genie said, “Okay. But remember, HMOs will get two million dollars”

And the doctor said “that’s okay with me.”

The doctor then said for his second wish, “I’d like a house overlooking the cliffs down to the ocean.”

The genie said, “Okay. But remember, HMO executives will be next door in a house twice as large and they like to party 24 hours a day.”

The doctor said, “I think I can live with that.”

So the genie said, “For your third wish you’d better think long and hard.”

So the doctor, after thinking it over, said, “Could you beat me half to death?”

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Feb 18

The Pope, an HMO CEO and a student nurse are flying on an airplane. The captain comes back and says that he has some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is that the plane is going to crash! As he puts on a parachute and jumps out he says that the really bad news is that there are only 2 more parachutes.

The HMO CEO says “I am the smartest man in the world, and the world of Health Care would be nothing without me!” With that he puts on a parachute and jumps out.

The Pope says “Well, my child, I would love to live, but I believe that my time is up. Please take the other parachute and save yourself.”

The student nurse says “Not to worry sir. Right now the smartest man in the world is trying to find the rip-cord on my back pack!”

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