Feb 18

An insurance sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She´s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He´s gone.

“OK, you´re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

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Rating: 9.5/10 (2 votes cast)
Feb 18

Mr. John Johnson III, was a rich old man dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, his doctor and his preacher:

“I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me.”

Mr. Johnson died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.

On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed “I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Johnson, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It’s what he would have wanted.”

Then the preacher said: “I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Johnson. We needed that money to help more homelessness, and it’s what Mr. Johnson would’ve wanted”

The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: “I can’t believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Johnson a check for the full $30,000!”

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Rating: 9.0/10 (2 votes cast)
Feb 18

A drunk wanders into the lounge of a hotel where an insurance convention is being held, intent on causing trouble. He yells, “I think all insurance agents are crooks, and if anyone doesn’t like it, come up and do something about it.”

Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, “You take that back!”

The drunk snears and replies, “Why, are you an agent?”

“No,” the man replies, “I’m a crook.”

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Rating: 5.8/10 (4 votes cast)
Feb 18

A super genius goes in to see a doctor. “Doc,” the genius says, “I think I’m too smart. I’m having trouble even communicating with people because we have no common frame of reference, and it’s ruining my social life. Can anything be done?”

The doctor runs a series of tests on the genius, and indeed finds that he is too smart. He says, “Currently, your IQ is 250, which is vastly superior to an average man. This is why your having trouble communicating. I do have a cure, however. I have a machine that will drain away some of your intellegence, leaving you with an IQ of 160. You’ll still be a genius, but you should be able to lead a normal life as well.”

The genius immediately agrees to the treatment, so the doctor straps him into the machine.

Just as the doctor turns on the device, he gets a phone call from his ex-wife. They have a heated phone conversation for several minutes before the doctor remembers his patient. He rushes back, and is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75.

The doctor says, “Are you all right?”

The former genius just stares blankly.

The doctor shakes him, saying “Say Something.”

The former genius replies, “Can I interest you in a health insurance policy?”

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Rating: 10.0/10 (2 votes cast)
Feb 18

Confusius Say:

Never argue with an idiot client. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

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Feb 18

An insurance salesman, risk manager and a safety director are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. “I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn,” the innkeeper says.

The safety director volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed.

In a short time they’re awakened by a knock. It’s the safety director, who says, “There’s a cow in that barn. I’m a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal.”

The risk manager says that, OK, he’ll sleep in the barn.

The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock.

It’s the risk manager who says, “There’s a pig in the barn. I’m Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal.”

So the insurance salesman is sent to the barn.

It’s getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep.

But they’re awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It’s the cow and the pig!

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Feb 18

A state adopts strict new insurance self study Continuing Education requirements for its agents. The tests they now require are very difficult, can take no more than an hour to complete, and must be taken at a certified testing center.

On the first day of the new requirements, an agent wanders into a testing center a half hour late.

“You’ll never finish this test on time,” the test administrator coldly states.

“Just give me the test,” replies the agent, “I’ll finish it.”

Skeptically, the administrator gives the agent the test.

The time limit comes and passes and yet the agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.

“You can’t turn that in,” states the test administrator, “you knew there was a time limit.”

“Do you know who I am?” replies the agent.

“No”, says the administrator.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???” the agent says more forcefully.

“No, and I really don’t care” replies the administrator, slightly annoyed.

“Good,” says the agent, who quickly shoves his test into the middle of the stack the administrator is correcting and walks out the door.

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Rating: 8.0/10 (3 votes cast)
Feb 18

Last night as I lay sleeping, I died or so it seemed,
Then I went to heaven, but only in my dream.

Up there St. Peter met me, standing at the pearly gates,
He said “I must check your record, please stand here and wait.”

He turned and said “Your record Is covered with terrible flaws,
On earth I see you rallied for every losing cause.

I see that you drank alcohol and smoked and used drugs too,
Fact is, you’ve done everything a good person should never do.

We can’t have people like you up here, your life was full of sin,”
Then he read the last of my record, took my hand and said “Come in.”

He lead me up to the big boss and said “Take him in and treat him well,
He used to work in Insurance, he’s done his time in hell.”

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Rating: 8.4/10 (5 votes cast)
Feb 18

An insurance agent said to a customer, “Thank you, Mr.Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you.”

“Gosh, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Smith. “You know that I file many claims and always pay my premium late.”

The insurance agent said, ” I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred like you.”

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Feb 18

An underwriter , an insurance agent, an old lady and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train passes through a tunnel and in the darkness a loud slap is heard. When out of the tunnel and in the light, they see that the insurance agent has a red five finger mark on his cheek.

The blonde is thinking: the insurance agent must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.

The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.

The insurance agent is thinking: the underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.

The underwriter is thinking: I can’t wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that damn insurance agent again!!!

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Rating: 10.0/10 (2 votes cast)
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