On the other hand, insurance company executives don’t lie… they really just don’t know what the the truth is!

The underwriter says, “I’ll bet you fifty bucks he doesn’t jump.”

The actuary says, “I’ll take that bet.” A few minutes later the guy jumps.

As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, “Never mind. It’s not fair. I saw it on the six o’clock news”.

The underwriter responds, “So did I, but I just didn’t think it would happen twice.”

The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.

The broker is punished first because he drank the most.

“What is your wish?”, asks the saudi prince.

“I’d like to have a pillow on my back,” replies the broker.

So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.

The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.

“I’d like to have two pillows on my back,” boldly states the actuary.

So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.

Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn’t drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.

The agent then states, “Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20.”

“Your courage is impressive,” states the prince. “and for your second wish?”

“Strap the actuary onto my back”, replies the agent.

“Just use copier machine paper,” she told him.

With that, the trainee took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

The agent says “Tell me what happened?”

The client tells him and the agent says “I’m sorry but that’s not covered.”

The client says “well, let me explain better what happened.”

The agent says “I´m sorry but that´s not covered either.”

The client says ” I´ll tell you what, you tell me what´s covered and I´ll tell you how it happened!”

Finally the staffers find a “pigeon buster” who guarantees to get rid of the pigeons. The pigeon buster tells the mayor that he will get rid of the pigeons immediately, and that he will wait three weeks to get paid. The fee will be five million dollars – plus one million dollars for each question asked.

The mayor agrees. The pigeon buster opens up his briefcase, removes a little pink box, and goes off to rid the city of pigeons. Sure enough, the pigeons disappear immediately, and they don’t come back.

Three weeks later the pigeon buster returns to the mayors office to be paid. The mayor hands him a check for six million dollars.

The pigeon buster looks at the check and says, “I guess you want to ask me one question.”

The mayor replies, “Yeah. Do you have another one of those pink boxes that will get rid of all the insurance salesmen?”

Obviously the drunk, because the other three are mythological creatures.

“Oh that’s terrible,” the woman sighs, “what am I going do?”

The doctor replies, “Marry an insurance agent.”

“Will I live longer?” asks the woman. ”

No,” replies the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She´s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He´s gone.

“OK, you´re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

“I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me.”

Mr. Johnson died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.

On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed “I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Johnson, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It’s what he would have wanted.”

Then the preacher said: “I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Johnson. We needed that money to help more homelessness, and it’s what Mr. Johnson would’ve wanted”

The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: “I can’t believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Johnson a check for the full $30,000!”

Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, “You take that back!”

The drunk snears and replies, “Why, are you an agent?”

“No,” the man replies, “I’m a crook.”

The doctor runs a series of tests on the genius, and indeed finds that he is too smart. He says, “Currently, your IQ is 250, which is vastly superior to an average man. This is why your having trouble communicating. I do have a cure, however. I have a machine that will drain away some of your intellegence, leaving you with an IQ of 160. You’ll still be a genius, but you should be able to lead a normal life as well.”

The genius immediately agrees to the treatment, so the doctor straps him into the machine.

Just as the doctor turns on the device, he gets a phone call from his ex-wife. They have a heated phone conversation for several minutes before the doctor remembers his patient. He rushes back, and is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75.

The doctor says, “Are you all right?”

The former genius just stares blankly.

The doctor shakes him, saying “Say Something.”

The former genius replies, “Can I interest you in a health insurance policy?”

Never argue with an idiot client. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

The safety director volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed.

In a short time they’re awakened by a knock. It’s the safety director, who says, “There’s a cow in that barn. I’m a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal.”

The risk manager says that, OK, he’ll sleep in the barn.

The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock.

It’s the risk manager who says, “There’s a pig in the barn. I’m Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal.”

So the insurance salesman is sent to the barn.

It’s getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep.

But they’re awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It’s the cow and the pig!

On the first day of the new requirements, an agent wanders into a testing center a half hour late.

“You’ll never finish this test on time,” the test administrator coldly states.

“Just give me the test,” replies the agent, “I’ll finish it.”

Skeptically, the administrator gives the agent the test.

The time limit comes and passes and yet the agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.

“You can’t turn that in,” states the test administrator, “you knew there was a time limit.”

“Do you know who I am?” replies the agent.

“No”, says the administrator.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???” the agent says more forcefully.

“No, and I really don’t care” replies the administrator, slightly annoyed.

“Good,” says the agent, who quickly shoves his test into the middle of the stack the administrator is correcting and walks out the door.

Up there St. Peter met me, standing at the pearly gates,
He said “I must check your record, please stand here and wait.”

He turned and said “Your record Is covered with terrible flaws,
On earth I see you rallied for every losing cause.

I see that you drank alcohol and smoked and used drugs too,
Fact is, you’ve done everything a good person should never do.

We can’t have people like you up here, your life was full of sin,”
Then he read the last of my record, took my hand and said “Come in.”

He lead me up to the big boss and said “Take him in and treat him well,
He used to work in Insurance, he’s done his time in hell.”

“Gosh, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Smith. “You know that I file many claims and always pay my premium late.”

The insurance agent said, ” I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred like you.”

The blonde is thinking: the insurance agent must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.

The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.

The insurance agent is thinking: the underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.

The underwriter is thinking: I can’t wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that damn insurance agent again!!!

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

“We don’t need anyone,” he was told.

“You can’t afford not to hire me,” James said. “I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!”

“Well, we have two prospects that NO ONE has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”

He was gone about two hours. He returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

“How in the world did you do that?” they asked.

“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman,” James said. “I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!”

“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

James was gone about six hours, and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine. He sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Brown’s and this one is Mr. Barricks’s.”

“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”

“Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers’ convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”

The first one said, “When one of our insureds died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

The second one said, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.”

The last salesman said, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a tall building. One of our insureds who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as passed our floor.”

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our CSR’s has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the CSR?”

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Producers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the Customer Service Representative!”

“Yes, I know,” replied the agent, “I’m them.”

“I can’t stop!” she shrilled. “What should I do?”

“Brace yourself,” advised her husband, “and try to hit something cheap.”

However, they often found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers. So, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now whenever they set up camp they place this sign on the door of their RV…

“Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”

Actuary’ Brains … $9/lb

Loss Control Brains … $12/lb

Underwriters’ Brains … $15/lb

Claims Adjusters’ Brains … $33/lb

Insurance Executives’ Brains … $87/lb

Life Insurance Salesmens’ Brains … $146/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, “My, those insurance salesmens’ brains must be something.”

To which the butcher replied, “Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!”

He answered, “About half of them.”

Answer:  Nothing.  There are some things that even a monkey won’t do.

Answer:  Because they are kept in the dark, fed a lot of crap, and when they start to grow, they get canned.

Answer:  That depends on whether the light bulb burned alone or along with the whole house.

Answer:  “How many did it take last year?”

Answer:  Seven.  One to change the light bulb and six to stand around and complain how the insurance producers do it.

Answer:  None.  They’ll just have a customer service rep (CSR) do it.

 Answer:  He was saved when the manager of the Wal-Mart eventually came out and unplugged it.