The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6′5″ tall, 250 pounds, and he’s an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

The underwriter says, “I’ll bet you fifty bucks he doesn’t jump.”

The actuary says, “I’ll take that bet.” A few minutes later the guy jumps.

As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, “Never mind. It’s not fair. I saw it on the six o’clock news”.

The underwriter responds, “So did I, but I just didn’t think it would happen twice.”

The actuary replies, “The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only.”

The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce.

The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective.

The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.

The farmer replied, “Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?”

The actuary answered, “Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four.”

The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.

The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”

The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

Answer: “Their personality.”

Answer: “God doesn’t think he’s an actuary.”

“Excuse me,” yells the parachutist, “but could you tell me where I am?”

The hiker looks up and says, “Yes, you’re twenty feet above the ground.”

“Thank you,” replies the skydiver, “You must be an actuary.”

“What makes you say that?” asked the hiker.

The skydiver answered, “Because what you just told me was 100% accurate, but totally worthless!”

However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.

The broker is punished first because he drank the most.

“What is your wish?”, asks the saudi prince.

“I’d like to have a pillow on my back,” replies the broker.

So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.

The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.

“I’d like to have two pillows on my back,” boldly states the actuary.

So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.

Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn’t drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.

The agent then states, “Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20.”

“Your courage is impressive,” states the prince. “and for your second wish?”

“Strap the actuary onto my back”, replies the agent.

The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man’s neck. The executioner says, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free.”

So the first man leaves, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man’s neck. Again the Executioner says, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free.”

So the second man leaves, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, “I think I see what the problem is … “