On the other hand, insurance company executives don’t lie… they really just don’t know what the the truth is!

The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home.

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

“Now relax, Mr. Kehl.  This is standard procedure for escrow.”

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

“Too bad she didn’t see it coming.”

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

An armed bank robber is chased by eight squad cars, two helicopters, and the guy whose car he rear-ended a few blocks back.

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

“While you were gone … we robbed you.”

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

Fighting traffic takes on a whole new meaning.

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

“Let’s see.  Mr. Johnson — rest his soul — did not specify a trustee for his community property, which may work to our advantage in probate court…”

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

Our unelected government.

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

“I’m sorry, but you must be mistaken.  You see, I have life insurance.”

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

“We can exchange information, or, if you prefer, I can punch you in the face and forget the whole thing ever happened.”

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

“Ten Dollars a Step From this Point Forward”

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

“We still don’t have a diagnosis for your rash, so we’re going to rub some more money on it and see what happens.”

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

“One minute she was eyeing her hospital bill, and the next minute…”

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

Cartoon used with permission.  See this cartoon and more great Snapshots cartoons at Jasonlove.com

“I knew I should have bought more insurance.”

Cartoon used with permission.  Cartoon copyright T. McCracken.  You can see more great cartoons at www.mchumor.com

“. . . and that’s a policy giving you flight insurance covering midair bankruptcies.”

Cartoon used with permission.  Cartoon is copyright T. McCracken.  You can see more great cartoons at www.mchumor.com

“I’d like to buy extinction insurance.”

Cartoon used with permission.  Cartoon copyright T. McCracken.  See more great cartoons at www.mchumor.com

“You wouldn’t believe how much broom insurance is if you’ve had three measly accidents.”

Cartoon used with permission.  Cartoon copyright T. McCracken.  You can see more great cartoons at www.mchumor.com

“You know, you’re a very expensive employee as far as benefits go in that we have to contribute to nine life insurance plans for you.”

Cartoon used with permission.  Cartoon is copyright T. McCracken.  You can see more great cartoons at www.mchumor.com

“Should we get renter’s insurance for the plant, dear?”

Cartoon used with permission.  Cartoon is copyright of T. McCracken.  See more great cartoons at www.mchumor.com

“Bring out your HMO Insured!”

Cartoon generously provided by Chip Cooper.  The cartoon is Copyright Charles F. Cooper.  You can find more of his great cartoons as CooperToons

“Company health plan?  Well, we here at BozoCom like to think that laughter is the best medicine.”

You can see more great cartoons by Marty Bucella at his site.  The cartoon is used with permission and is Copyright Marty Bucella.

“We don’t have a company health plan, but we do have a secretary in accounting who claims to be a faith healer.”

You can see more great cartoons by Marty Bucella at his site.  The cartoon is used with permission and is Copyright Marty Bucella.

“We’ve run every test we could think of and the results show that you’re out of money.”

You can see more great cartoons by Marty Bucella at his site.  The cartoon is used with permission and is Copyright Marty Bucella.

“You can have a general anesthesia or just be numbed from the wallet down.”

You can see more great cartoons by Marty Bucella at his site.  The cartoons is used with permission and is Copyright Marty Bucella.

Insurance Cartoons
Automobile Insurance Cartoons
Health Insurance Cartoons
Life Insurance Cartoons
Renter’s Insurance Cartoons

 I hope to continuously add more and more Insurance Jokes and Insurance Cartoons, sorted into categories.  If you know of any good insurance related jokes or cartoons you want to share, please let me know.

The CEO replied, “Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?”

Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.
“Well, since I don’t give any money to them,” he continued, “why should I give any to you?”

“What’s the matter with me?” he asks.

“You’re not eating properly,” replies the Doctor.

An unnamed manufacturer of blood glucose meters is about to announce the development of a major breakthrough in medical care: a new meter that can measure blood caffeine levels.

This innovative device is due for release on April 1st. 

The “CoffeeMeter” will utilize existing blood glucose reagent strips (from most current manufacturers). Through a new method of optical processing, it will be able to measure caffeine consumption, which will be displayed on the meter in “CCE” (Coffee Cup Equivalent) units.

The “CoffeeMeter” has been tested in several clinical settings, including diabetes clinics, inpatient alcohol treatment units, and wellness programs. It has had great success (P The “CoffeeMeter” can also accurately discriminate whether the user had consumed caffeinated or “decaf” coffee.

More details on this very important new product should be forthcoming in the near future.

You may feel free to forward or reproduce this satire, provided you include the following copyright notice:
Copyright © 1997   by the Midwest Diabetes Care Center, Inc.

Declaring diabetes mellitus non-existent, managed care companies nation-wide have managed to wipe out diabetes throughout the United States, it was announced today. It was explained that any patient insisting that they have diabetes will be re-diagnosed as having paranoia, and hence will be ineligible for medical care, as mental health benefits are essentially nonexistent in most managed care plans. The insurance industry also announced that their pre-existing policy of refusing to reimburse for syringes or blood glucose test strips, and discouraging patients’ Primary Care Physicians from referring to endocrinologists, has been “totally vindicated.”

An estimated three hundred endocrinologists were seen lining up to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco; there were unheard-of upsurges in bookings for flights to San Francisco noted by airlines nationally. The San Francisco Tourism Agency announced that it encourages all endocrinologists to spend their final vacation in their city, before taking the plunge.

According to an anonymous spokesman for a major managed care company, it is expected that curing diabetes, and terminating contracts with deceased endocrinologists, will allow approximately 57 more insurance company executives to claim 6-figure bonuses at the end of the current Fiscal Year, while only resulting in an additional 15 minutes loss of sleep per night for the average Primary Care Physician, and only an estimated 2,000,000 covered lives to become uncovered deaths.

 You may feel free to forward or reproduce this satire, provided you include the following copyright notice:
Copyright © 1997   by the Midwest Diabetes Care Center, Inc.

The club pro happened to walk by and the three called him over to complain about the two in front of them.

The pro said, “Oh, lighten up a little. Those are two firemen that lost their sight while fighting the fire we had in the clubhouse last winter. We let them play whenever they want for free.”

The priest contritely said, “I feel so bad for thinking ill of those two. I’m going to offer special prayers for them.”

The eye doctor said, “I feel the same way, I’m going to get with some of my colleagues and see if there isn’t something we can do for those guys.”

The HMO CEO replied, “I just wonder why these guys can’t play at night?”

“No,” says one of the surgeons, “We’re about to do a heart transplant on a managed care executive and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”

The other asked, “Why the switch?”

“Three reasons,” he replied, “First we found that these reviewers have become far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won’t do. However, sometimes it’s hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings.”

The guy next to him replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I’m 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I’m an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2″ tall, 225 pounds, and he’s an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6′5″ tall, 250 pounds, and he’s an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

The first guy says, “No, I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

The underwriter says, “I’ll bet you fifty bucks he doesn’t jump.”

The actuary says, “I’ll take that bet.” A few minutes later the guy jumps.

As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, “Never mind. It’s not fair. I saw it on the six o’clock news”.

The underwriter responds, “So did I, but I just didn’t think it would happen twice.”

The actuary replies, “The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only.”

The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce.

The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective.

The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.

The farmer replied, “Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?”

The actuary answered, “Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four.”

The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000.

The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, “I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn’t it?”

The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

Answer: “Their personality.”

Answer: “God doesn’t think he’s an actuary.”

“Excuse me,” yells the parachutist, “but could you tell me where I am?”

The hiker looks up and says, “Yes, you’re twenty feet above the ground.”

“Thank you,” replies the skydiver, “You must be an actuary.”

“What makes you say that?” asked the hiker.

The skydiver answered, “Because what you just told me was 100% accurate, but totally worthless!”

However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.

The broker is punished first because he drank the most.

“What is your wish?”, asks the saudi prince.

“I’d like to have a pillow on my back,” replies the broker.

So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.

The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.

“I’d like to have two pillows on my back,” boldly states the actuary.

So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.

Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn’t drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.

The agent then states, “Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20.”

“Your courage is impressive,” states the prince. “and for your second wish?”

“Strap the actuary onto my back”, replies the agent.

The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man’s neck. The executioner says, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free.”

So the first man leaves, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man’s neck. Again the Executioner says, “Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free.”

So the second man leaves, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, “I think I see what the problem is … “

“Just use copier machine paper,” she told him.

With that, the trainee took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

A genie suddenly came out of the bottle and said “Gee thanks!! I’ve been locked in the bottle for five hundred years!! Just for that I’ll grant you three wishes. I have to warn you, however, that each of the HMOs with which you have contracted will get double.”

So the doctor thought about it. He then stated “For my first wish I’d like a million dollars.”

The genie said, “Okay. But remember, HMOs will get two million dollars”

And the doctor said “that’s okay with me.”

The doctor then said for his second wish, “I’d like a house overlooking the cliffs down to the ocean.”

The genie said, “Okay. But remember, HMO executives will be next door in a house twice as large and they like to party 24 hours a day.”

The doctor said, “I think I can live with that.”

So the genie said, “For your third wish you’d better think long and hard.”

So the doctor, after thinking it over, said, “Could you beat me half to death?”

The cowboy repled, “No, no accidents.” Then, after a short pause he added “But a bronco kicked in a couple of my ribs, and a rattlesnake bit me a couple of years ago.”

“Well!” replied the insurance agent, “Don’t you call those accidents?”

The cowboy replied, “No, I don’t—they done it on purpose!”

“What do you mean?” countered the woman.

“If you should lose your husband, what would you get?” asked the salesman.

The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, “Probably a poodle.”

The HMO CEO says “I am the smartest man in the world, and the world of Health Care would be nothing without me!” With that he puts on a parachute and jumps out.

The Pope says “Well, my child, I would love to live, but I believe that my time is up. Please take the other parachute and save yourself.”

The student nurse says “Not to worry sir. Right now the smartest man in the world is trying to find the rip-cord on my back pack!”

St. Peter said to the first, “And what have you done to be able to enter heaven?”

“I’m a breast surgeon.”

“Enter, you’ve done a wonderful job.”

To the second he said “And what about you?”

“I’m an oncologist”

“Enter, you really hung in there on earth.” To the third he said “Yes, and you?”

“I was a director of an HMO”

“Enter, but you’ll have to leave after 3 days.”

“Mr. Barricks, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Then can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister” he answered.

“Well, do you have any close relative?” the nun questioned sternly.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Barricks. Nuns are not spinsters – they are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Mr. Barricks. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!” It roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with high-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don’t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day’s drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I’d already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can an HMO general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $10 co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. How is a hospital gown like insurance?
A. You’re never covered as much as you think you are.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

“There’s only one thing that will save you,” his doctor said. “A brain transplant. It’s experimental and very expensive.”

“Money is no object,” the man said. “Can you get a brain?”

“There are three available. The first was from a college professor, but it’ll cost you $10,000.”

“Don’t worry, I can pay. What about the second?”

“It was from a rocket scientist. It’ll cost you $100,000.”

“I have the money. And I’d be a lot smarter too. But what about the third?”

“The third was from a managed care reviewer. It will set you back half a million dollars.”

“Why so much for the managed care reviewer’s brain?” the patient asked.

His doctor replied, “Never been used.”

After explaining what happened the insurance rep said, “We’re covering nothing on this claim. You hit yourself in the head with a chair on a ski lift. You’re an idiot. And that’s a pre-existing condition.”

The agent says “Tell me what happened?”

The client tells him and the agent says “I’m sorry but that’s not covered.”

The client says “well, let me explain better what happened.”

The agent says “I´m sorry but that´s not covered either.”

The client says ” I´ll tell you what, you tell me what´s covered and I´ll tell you how it happened!”

Finally the staffers find a “pigeon buster” who guarantees to get rid of the pigeons. The pigeon buster tells the mayor that he will get rid of the pigeons immediately, and that he will wait three weeks to get paid. The fee will be five million dollars – plus one million dollars for each question asked.

The mayor agrees. The pigeon buster opens up his briefcase, removes a little pink box, and goes off to rid the city of pigeons. Sure enough, the pigeons disappear immediately, and they don’t come back.

Three weeks later the pigeon buster returns to the mayors office to be paid. The mayor hands him a check for six million dollars.

The pigeon buster looks at the check and says, “I guess you want to ask me one question.”

The mayor replies, “Yeah. Do you have another one of those pink boxes that will get rid of all the insurance salesmen?”

Satan smiled at the CEO and said, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every health care contract you bid on, for the rest of your life. Your colleagues will stand in awe of you, physicians will fear you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and the souls of all shareholders in your company.”

The CEO thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

Obviously the drunk, because the other three are mythological creatures.

2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”

1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

When they finally arrived on the shore of the island, they found the HMO executive sitting under a palm tree, sipping coconut milk. They were flabbergasted. “How did you survive in there with all of those bloodthirsty sharks?” they demanded.

“Easy,” he replied as he took another sip, “Professional courtesy.”

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Take a left when you enter the trailer park.”

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is “an apple a day”.

5. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. “Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your Viagra pills didn’t come in different colors with little “M’s” on them.

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

Answer:  A seagull can still make a significant deposit on a Mercedes.

Answer:  A battery has a positive side.

Answer:  He threatened to release one every hour if his demands were NOT met.

Answer:  You can bargain with terrorists.

Answer:  It’s called Suture Self.

 Answer:  Only one, but it needs a pre-authorization before it can be done.

“Whoa there, just a minute, Julie, it doesn’t work like that. We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.” the agent replied.

Julie, after a pause, said, “Well, in that case, I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

“Oh that’s terrible,” the woman sighs, “what am I going do?”

The doctor replies, “Marry an insurance agent.”

“Will I live longer?” asks the woman. ”

No,” replies the doctor, “but it will SEEM longer.”

They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She´s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He´s gone.

“OK, you´re up,” the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

“I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me.”

Mr. Johnson died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.

On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed “I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Johnson, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It’s what he would have wanted.”

Then the preacher said: “I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Johnson. We needed that money to help more homelessness, and it’s what Mr. Johnson would’ve wanted”

The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: “I can’t believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Johnson a check for the full $30,000!”

Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, “You take that back!”

The drunk snears and replies, “Why, are you an agent?”

“No,” the man replies, “I’m a crook.”

The doctor runs a series of tests on the genius, and indeed finds that he is too smart. He says, “Currently, your IQ is 250, which is vastly superior to an average man. This is why your having trouble communicating. I do have a cure, however. I have a machine that will drain away some of your intellegence, leaving you with an IQ of 160. You’ll still be a genius, but you should be able to lead a normal life as well.”

The genius immediately agrees to the treatment, so the doctor straps him into the machine.

Just as the doctor turns on the device, he gets a phone call from his ex-wife. They have a heated phone conversation for several minutes before the doctor remembers his patient. He rushes back, and is shocked when he sees the IQ readout at 75.

The doctor says, “Are you all right?”

The former genius just stares blankly.

The doctor shakes him, saying “Say Something.”

The former genius replies, “Can I interest you in a health insurance policy?”

Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing it again.

Never argue with an idiot client. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

The safety director volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed.

In a short time they’re awakened by a knock. It’s the safety director, who says, “There’s a cow in that barn. I’m a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal.”

The risk manager says that, OK, he’ll sleep in the barn.

The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock.

It’s the risk manager who says, “There’s a pig in the barn. I’m Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal.”

So the insurance salesman is sent to the barn.

It’s getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep.

But they’re awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It’s the cow and the pig!

On the first day of the new requirements, an agent wanders into a testing center a half hour late.

“You’ll never finish this test on time,” the test administrator coldly states.

“Just give me the test,” replies the agent, “I’ll finish it.”

Skeptically, the administrator gives the agent the test.

The time limit comes and passes and yet the agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.

“You can’t turn that in,” states the test administrator, “you knew there was a time limit.”

“Do you know who I am?” replies the agent.

“No”, says the administrator.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???” the agent says more forcefully.

“No, and I really don’t care” replies the administrator, slightly annoyed.

“Good,” says the agent, who quickly shoves his test into the middle of the stack the administrator is correcting and walks out the door.

Up there St. Peter met me, standing at the pearly gates,
He said “I must check your record, please stand here and wait.”

He turned and said “Your record Is covered with terrible flaws,
On earth I see you rallied for every losing cause.

I see that you drank alcohol and smoked and used drugs too,
Fact is, you’ve done everything a good person should never do.

We can’t have people like you up here, your life was full of sin,”
Then he read the last of my record, took my hand and said “Come in.”

He lead me up to the big boss and said “Take him in and treat him well,
He used to work in Insurance, he’s done his time in hell.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house was destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The puzzled lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”

“Gosh, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Smith. “You know that I file many claims and always pay my premium late.”

The insurance agent said, ” I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred like you.”

The blonde is thinking: the insurance agent must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.

The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.

The insurance agent is thinking: the underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.

The underwriter is thinking: I can’t wait for the next tunnel so I can slap that damn insurance agent again!!!

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

“We don’t need anyone,” he was told.

“You can’t afford not to hire me,” James said. “I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!”

“Well, we have two prospects that NO ONE has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job.”

He was gone about two hours. He returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

“How in the world did you do that?” they asked.

“I told you I’m the world’s best salesman,” James said. “I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!”

“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

James was gone about six hours, and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine. He sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Brown’s and this one is Mr. Barricks’s.”

“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”

“Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a state teachers’ convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”

The first one said, “When one of our insureds died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

The second one said, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening.”

The last salesman said, “That’s nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of a tall building. One of our insureds who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as passed our floor.”

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our CSR’s has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the CSR?”

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Producers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the Customer Service Representative!”

“Yes, I know,” replied the agent, “I’m them.”

“I can’t stop!” she shrilled. “What should I do?”

“Brace yourself,” advised her husband, “and try to hit something cheap.”

The reply came back shortly: “Begin vacation as of yesterday.”

However, they often found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers. So, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now whenever they set up camp they place this sign on the door of their RV…

“Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”

I said, “Fire and theft.”

Insurance agent frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”

Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it’s burning down.

The other woman replies, “No, I think we have State Farm.”

Actuary’ Brains … $9/lb

Loss Control Brains … $12/lb

Underwriters’ Brains … $15/lb

Claims Adjusters’ Brains … $33/lb

Insurance Executives’ Brains … $87/lb

Life Insurance Salesmens’ Brains … $146/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, “My, those insurance salesmens’ brains must be something.”

To which the butcher replied, “Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!”

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued … and WON!!

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.”

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested… on 24 counts of arson!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

“How did you get the wooden leg?” asked the agent.

In a booming voice the pirate replied, “Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang ’round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg.”

The agent replied, “That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?”

“Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang ’round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand,” said the pirate.

“That’s also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?” asked the agent.

The pirate replied, “Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!”

“What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?” said the agent.

“It were the first day with me hook!”

Early one morning, the clerk and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering buckets of delicious red raspberries, along came two huge Bears–a male and a female.

The HMO accounts clerk, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn’t as fast, and the male bear grabbed him and swallowed him whole.

The clerk ran back to his car, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and they dashed back to the berry patch. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the clerk, pointing to the male bear.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE BEAR!

“What do you think you’re doing??” exclaimed the clerk, “I said he was in the other bear!”

“Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe an HMO accounts clerk who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope…

He answered, “About half of them.”

Answer:  Nothing.  There are some things that even a monkey won’t do.

Answer:  Because they are kept in the dark, fed a lot of crap, and when they start to grow, they get canned.

Answer:  That depends on whether the light bulb burned alone or along with the whole house.

Answer:  “How many did it take last year?”

Answer:  Seven.  One to change the light bulb and six to stand around and complain how the insurance producers do it.

Answer:  None.  They’ll just have a customer service rep (CSR) do it.

 Answer:  He was saved when the manager of the Wal-Mart eventually came out and unplugged it.

 Answer:  A whole life policy eventually matures.

 Answer:  They are both expensive, difficult to understand, and what you get is not guaranteed.